It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
