I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
