I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
