we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
