your parents love me but you hate me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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