wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
