Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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