she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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