i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
