I wish I could punch you in the face.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
