apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
