the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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