im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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