Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I miss vodka workout Fridays
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.