So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me