Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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