I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
