I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
