he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
