Your tits are I can't wait for
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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