In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
