Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You're like the curious george of whores
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
