so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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