he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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