I wanna bring you to show and tell
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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