it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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