my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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