I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
