3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
