It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
