I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
