Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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