Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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