We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
