Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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