You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
