I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
