She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
