I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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