Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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