It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
