If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
