You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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