I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
