why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
