I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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