I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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