Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
