i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
