booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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