if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
