ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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