I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
