There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize