Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
