if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
