Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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