She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
