Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
