come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
