The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
