I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
