my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
